The Push and Pull of Relationships

Dear River

It is extremely difficult for me to get close to a girl; I have natural feelings of distrust when I meet most girls, and when they express interest in me I think in my head that they just want me because I'm good-looking and to fuck...and it makes me feel used, like nobody cares to get to know me or establish a connection, it's just for pleasure and then move on. I used to love situations like this (casual sex was cool and fun), but now I just feel like shit. And when I do start to establish something with a girl, I end up getting scared and pulling back and even sometimes sabotaging the relationship. I want to get close to someone, I just don't know how. I mainly ask this because I met a girl recently and I like her thus far. She has the main intangibles in her personality that I know work for me, so I'd like to keep liking her (and not screw it up) and possibly move it further eventually.

Help! 



Dear Help,



As far as intimacy goes. There are no quick fixes . We become hardwired when it comes to relationships. We are programmed to repeat behavior and dynamics over and over again. The partners change and the relationships stays the same unless we break the pattern.

It takes 4 month of consistent behavioral change to build new neural passages into the brain that will maintain the change and give us new ways to look at situations. What this means is it take vigilance to change patterns of behaviors. You already recognize the problem which is great. To better understand both why you pull away, and/or attract women who do not commit, the best thing to do is an inventory.


Look through past relationships. Try to only look at your part in it. Be specific with resentments, What part of yourself felt hurt or threatened; self esteem pride, emotional security, dishonesty and anything else you might think affected the relationships and it's outcome. Look for similarities and you will see a pattern emerge. Which includes the kind of partners you pick. The resentments you might have developed over the course of the relationship. You can also look at the relationships you have with other woman in your life (sisters, mother, friends, other female relatives) and messages you have gotten from the men in your life. Write it all down. The more you know the more you will be able to understand the fear and just sit with it instead of sabotaging the situation.

When you feel you are going into flight mode. Stop. Be in the moment. Breath.

Know that no matter what choices you make nothing is written in stone. Explore your fear by facing it. If the person you are interested in sees that you are being present that might even frighten her and she might pull away, this is okay, you are breaking a pattern. If you want a loving committed relationship the most important advice I can give you is stay in the moment. When you feel your past -bad relationships, poor advice, pain, hurt .. come creeping in, just breath and bring yourself back to the moment, observe it and let it go. Do the same thing when you start to obsess about the future; "Is this the one? Do I really want to be in this relationship? What is there is someone better? I will only get hurt? Whatever stories you tell yourself, know they are just that stories, they have not happened and we are making them up! Anything that you need to know about the relationship will be revealed if you can stay present. It is a struggle at first but in the end you get to know yourself and exactly what you need better. When we worry about the past and future that is when we sabotage our lives. It's a primitive behavior meant to protect us from harm but you don't need it anymore. Enjoy the time you have with the person. When you are present is when you can really experience intimacy, which is what makes a relationship last.



Best Wishes,

River