The Push and Pull of Relationships

Dear River

It is extremely difficult for me to get close to a girl; I have natural feelings of distrust when I meet most girls, and when they express interest in me I think in my head that they just want me because I'm good-looking and to fuck...and it makes me feel used, like nobody cares to get to know me or establish a connection, it's just for pleasure and then move on. I used to love situations like this (casual sex was cool and fun), but now I just feel like shit. And when I do start to establish something with a girl, I end up getting scared and pulling back and even sometimes sabotaging the relationship. I want to get close to someone, I just don't know how. I mainly ask this because I met a girl recently and I like her thus far. She has the main intangibles in her personality that I know work for me, so I'd like to keep liking her (and not screw it up) and possibly move it further eventually.

Help! 



Dear Help,



As far as intimacy goes. There are no quick fixes . We become hardwired when it comes to relationships. We are programmed to repeat behavior and dynamics over and over again. The partners change and the relationships stays the same unless we break the pattern.

It takes 4 month of consistent behavioral change to build new neural passages into the brain that will maintain the change and give us new ways to look at situations. What this means is it take vigilance to change patterns of behaviors. You already recognize the problem which is great. To better understand both why you pull away, and/or attract women who do not commit, the best thing to do is an inventory.


Look through past relationships. Try to only look at your part in it. Be specific with resentments, What part of yourself felt hurt or threatened; self esteem pride, emotional security, dishonesty and anything else you might think affected the relationships and it's outcome. Look for similarities and you will see a pattern emerge. Which includes the kind of partners you pick. The resentments you might have developed over the course of the relationship. You can also look at the relationships you have with other woman in your life (sisters, mother, friends, other female relatives) and messages you have gotten from the men in your life. Write it all down. The more you know the more you will be able to understand the fear and just sit with it instead of sabotaging the situation.

When you feel you are going into flight mode. Stop. Be in the moment. Breath.

Know that no matter what choices you make nothing is written in stone. Explore your fear by facing it. If the person you are interested in sees that you are being present that might even frighten her and she might pull away, this is okay, you are breaking a pattern. If you want a loving committed relationship the most important advice I can give you is stay in the moment. When you feel your past -bad relationships, poor advice, pain, hurt .. come creeping in, just breath and bring yourself back to the moment, observe it and let it go. Do the same thing when you start to obsess about the future; "Is this the one? Do I really want to be in this relationship? What is there is someone better? I will only get hurt? Whatever stories you tell yourself, know they are just that stories, they have not happened and we are making them up! Anything that you need to know about the relationship will be revealed if you can stay present. It is a struggle at first but in the end you get to know yourself and exactly what you need better. When we worry about the past and future that is when we sabotage our lives. It's a primitive behavior meant to protect us from harm but you don't need it anymore. Enjoy the time you have with the person. When you are present is when you can really experience intimacy, which is what makes a relationship last.



Best Wishes,

River 



Not Interested In Sex

DEAR RIVER,

I'm an 18-year old girl (virgin) and have little interest in sex. My friends are always slobbering about how so and so is hot. But I never have fantasies about guys I know. I never really have major crushes on boys or girls or what have you. I get pissed when all people talk about is sex, not because I'm not getting any but because the idea bores me. I masturbate because it feels nice, but I feel no desire to have sex, in fact it kind of grosses me out. I don't look at guys lustfully all that often- I think more along the lines of 'good friend' material. I know I'm not gay (have never felt any pull towards girls), but I think something must be wrong with me if I'm not falling head over heels in love/lust with guys at my age. Science says I should be some kind of uncontrollable sexaholic at this age, but I'm not. If it makes any difference, I started puberty very early (9), so maybe I went through that phase at 13 or something and didn't even notice it.

If you have any kind of explanation to offer, please do so!

Sincerely,

Not Interested

Dear Not interested

You are perfectly normal. I don't know all the background on your life and experiences but from what you said you are not alone. If you enjoy masturbation and can be aroused then there is nothing physical going on and as far as having sex with someone or being interested in having sex with someone, that will happen when it happens, if it happens.

We all have different levels of hormones in us and emotionally many women just are not as interested as others in physical, intimate relationships. Have compassion for your sex-crazed friends, just know that’s their thing, not yours and how you feel is perfectly fine. If it becomes an issue that it really bothers you I would go to the counseling center, it’s free. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you it just will give you a confidential outlet to talk about things that bug you.

I wish you the very best,

River

Some questions I received and will answering soon

Here are some questions I have been asked and will answer in this column. If you want one in particular answered right away let me know!

Sex Questions

1. Why do people get hornier when drunk?
2. Why are men attracted to breasts?
3. How do you know when you’ve had an orgasm? Can there be a mini version?
4. Can women ejaculate?
5. I heard my boyfriend’s penis pop one time. Did he break it?
6. Knee pads should be a part of safe-sex, right?
7. Why is it called a blow job when you suck?
8. What is the definition of a ‘furry’?
9. What are the health risks for golden showers?
10. As you have toured the country, what is the most or loudest protest you have gotten from people who think sex is bad?
11. What do you think of the taboo against BDSM & the fetish community?
12. How big must a penis be to make the man faint (an erection so big you pass out)?
13. What is the best position to make a smaller penis give a woman or a man more pleasure? Help!
14. I’ve never had an orgasm. Can you give me some good tips?
15. Can a girl get pregnant with pre-ejaculation?
16. It is it absolutely 100% required to wear a condom while giving head (because I hate sucking on latex)?
17. How does girl on girl sexual intercourse work because it is like bumper to bumper if you know what I mean?
18. If a male and female “mess around” in a body of water and the guy cums outside the girl, can she still get pregnant?
19. What other tools help prevent pregnancy other than condoms and birth control?
20. Is it bad for you if he repeatedly reaches the end of your vagina?

Same Sex Relationships

Dear River,

I wanted to see what your thoughts on same-sex relationships were? Why do you think that girls are sometimes attracted to other girls even if they have never been before? I’d really appreciate it if you could get back to me

Thank you so much,

Just Curious

Dear Just Curious,

When it comes to sexuality in our culture we have these boxes- gay, straight, bisexual. In reality we can be attracted to people for a number of reason that has little to do with labels. Most people have the capacity to be attracted to their own gender and there is nothing wrong with this. It can go from just appreciating the female body to wanting to engage in sexual activity to exclusively being in a relation with the same gender. Another though is that Sometimes, especially with women, we have such close relationships, that often we have the same feeling towards "friends" that we might have in a love relationship. We fall in love with each other and it may have nothing to do with wanting to have sex. We just want to be close and intimate. It can be confusing especially when our culture has such strong feelings about same gender relationships.

I would suggest to anyone dealing with these feelings that they sit down with non-judgmental professional (therapist, counselor) and sort through the feelings. I am a strong believer in getting help from a professional when I’m confused. It does not mean there is a thing "wrong" with me. I just need to have a different perspective.

I wish you the best!

River