How To Give the Best Oral Sex On a Man.

Here is a questions I recieved after performing my show SEXED where the audience can txt me questions about sex, love and relationships while I am on stage.

Is there a technixxque to going down on a guy..or do they just like it anyway you do it?

They are happy you are down there but you can really increase the plasure in a number of ways. Every guy likes it a little different. They really like if you ask them when you are doing something, do you like this? Stay in tune with his body and watch to see what really makes him moan, relax, or tense up these are all clues to help you. But here are some general pointers:

Show enthusiasm.

The best fellatio involves a giver who is totally into it, aroused, even a little worshipful. You may find it extremely erotic to pleasure your partner in this way. You may enjoy the stimulation to your lips, tongue, mouth, and hands as you perform a blowjob. Perhaps you get off on the feeling of power you have over your lover as you control his pleasure, or you may get a sexual charge out of feeling dominated by your lover as you serve him. Maybe you enjoy the sense of giving involved in this extremely intimate act. Whatever your scene, you absolutely, positively must be into giving this man a blowjob, otherwise no one will enjoy it.

Set the scene.

Most men will enjoy a blowjob to the fullest in a more relaxed setting. The best oral sex begins long before you take off his clothes. Wear something you know he finds sexy on you. Help him to relax and loosen up, perhaps with a bath or a glass of wine together.(just one)! Keep the lighting soft, light a few candles. Choose music that is not distracting, but rather blends quietly into the background. Turn the TV off …unless you want to add porn to the mix. If you do, you may find “compilation videos” or hard-core segments less distracting than porn laden with plot and dialogue.

Take Your Time.

you build his anticipation and arousal to a tantalizing level. Make sure he has no distractions whatsoever. Turn off the phones, lock the door. Make sure everything you need is within easy reach: condoms, lube, sex toys, something to drink, something refreshing to eat (perhaps a bowl of fresh strawberries, chilled grapes, or orange slices). Let him focus entirely on his pleasure. If he touches you, it should be for his own enjoyment and not to pleasure you. Make it clear that he is in for a real treat.

Explore

Check out his whole body. Start slowly. Touch, lick, and kiss your partner, not just the areas that turn him on but the ones that turn you on as well: the nape of his neck, his earlobes, his chest, his nipples, his round buttocks, feet and sensitive toes, thighs. Be vocal about the areas you adore, either by moaning with pleasure or simply telling him how hot you find his hard biceps, for instance. Talk dirty to him if you enjoy doing so. The idea is to let him know how much you relish contact with him. Keep exploring as you gradually work your way to his genitals. Try licking and sucking his fingers so he gets a preview of what is in store for his penis. Take your time and savor his entire body.

Use Your Whole Body.

The best blowjobs involve much more than just your mouth, and focus on much more than just his penis. Use everything available to you to pleasure him. (Also, by using your whole body you show your own arousal and enthusiasm.) Use your mouth, lips, tongue, face, hair, hands, fingers and nails, chest, whatever occurs to you. Rub your genitals against his penis, his leg, or his hand in order to increase your own arousal during the blowjob. Let your body move naturally along with the movement of your mouth and hands. Allow it to be a sensual dance. He’s likely to enjoy the show.

Be Creative.

There is no script. So allow yourself to be swept away by the moment and do what feels good to you and your partner. Explore different ways of pleasuring your partner. Every man is different, and every encounter is different: the same man might love a gentle touch one night, but want more aggressive play another night. Don’t be afraid to try new things. But always pay close attention to the response of your lover. If you try something new and he squirms and moans with pleasure, keep at it. If not, move on to something else.

Be resourceful.

Try not to have your head simply bobbing up and down on the shaft. This action may produce results, but we’re talking about more advanced skills here. You aren’t merely simulating intercourse. Your mouth and hands have a great many more ways to pleasure his penis than has a pussy or anus. So go ahead and stroke away, but vary it.

Here are some physical ideas:

Stick out your tongue and say “ah.” Leave your tongue out of your mouth and use it to pleasure his frenulum (it is the sensitive part of the penis in front, right below the head) as you stroke. Also by sticking your tongue out, you can take the shaft deeper into your mouth. Although the shaft has far fewer nerve endings than the head and the frenulum, many men adore the sensation of being taken fully into their lover’s mouth and even their throat ) When you are stroking him with your mouth, don’t forget to use your tongue and lips to increase the sensation. Try sticking your tongue out so you lick his shaft as you stroke with your mouth, or use your lips and tongue to stimulate the frenulum as you pump away. If you moan with pleasure while his penis is in your mouth, he feels the delightful vibration of the sound in his penis.

Draw your lips into a tight circle, so there is almost a popping sound when the head moves in and out. Be extremely careful not to accidentally use your teeth once the action builds, as it can easily cause injury. You may carefully experiment with nibbling on the shaft, as some men find that erotic, but any use of teeth should be approached with very gradual and deliberate experimentation. Try sucking on his penis, creating a vacuum-like tightness and pressure. Don’t be afraid to suck hard, as many men enjoy that strong sensation. Suck on the head, or take the whole penis in your mouth and maintain the suction the entire time you slide it in and out of your mouth. Or take the opposite approach and take the penis loosely deep into your mouth, then move your head side-to-side in a figure eight so his penis is moving around inside your mouth. You can try long, hard strokes along the entire shaft with just your tongue or with your mouth, or quick light strokes with your mouth just on the head.

Good Luck

River

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The Push and Pull of Relationships

Dear River

It is extremely difficult for me to get close to a girl; I have natural feelings of distrust when I meet most girls, and when they express interest in me I think in my head that they just want me because I'm good-looking and to fuck...and it makes me feel used, like nobody cares to get to know me or establish a connection, it's just for pleasure and then move on. I used to love situations like this (casual sex was cool and fun), but now I just feel like shit. And when I do start to establish something with a girl, I end up getting scared and pulling back and even sometimes sabotaging the relationship. I want to get close to someone, I just don't know how. I mainly ask this because I met a girl recently and I like her thus far. She has the main intangibles in her personality that I know work for me, so I'd like to keep liking her (and not screw it up) and possibly move it further eventually.

Help! 



Dear Help,



As far as intimacy goes. There are no quick fixes . We become hardwired when it comes to relationships. We are programmed to repeat behavior and dynamics over and over again. The partners change and the relationships stays the same unless we break the pattern.

It takes 4 month of consistent behavioral change to build new neural passages into the brain that will maintain the change and give us new ways to look at situations. What this means is it take vigilance to change patterns of behaviors. You already recognize the problem which is great. To better understand both why you pull away, and/or attract women who do not commit, the best thing to do is an inventory.


Look through past relationships. Try to only look at your part in it. Be specific with resentments, What part of yourself felt hurt or threatened; self esteem pride, emotional security, dishonesty and anything else you might think affected the relationships and it's outcome. Look for similarities and you will see a pattern emerge. Which includes the kind of partners you pick. The resentments you might have developed over the course of the relationship. You can also look at the relationships you have with other woman in your life (sisters, mother, friends, other female relatives) and messages you have gotten from the men in your life. Write it all down. The more you know the more you will be able to understand the fear and just sit with it instead of sabotaging the situation.

When you feel you are going into flight mode. Stop. Be in the moment. Breath.

Know that no matter what choices you make nothing is written in stone. Explore your fear by facing it. If the person you are interested in sees that you are being present that might even frighten her and she might pull away, this is okay, you are breaking a pattern. If you want a loving committed relationship the most important advice I can give you is stay in the moment. When you feel your past -bad relationships, poor advice, pain, hurt .. come creeping in, just breath and bring yourself back to the moment, observe it and let it go. Do the same thing when you start to obsess about the future; "Is this the one? Do I really want to be in this relationship? What is there is someone better? I will only get hurt? Whatever stories you tell yourself, know they are just that stories, they have not happened and we are making them up! Anything that you need to know about the relationship will be revealed if you can stay present. It is a struggle at first but in the end you get to know yourself and exactly what you need better. When we worry about the past and future that is when we sabotage our lives. It's a primitive behavior meant to protect us from harm but you don't need it anymore. Enjoy the time you have with the person. When you are present is when you can really experience intimacy, which is what makes a relationship last.



Best Wishes,

River 



Not Interested In Sex

DEAR RIVER,

I'm an 18-year old girl (virgin) and have little interest in sex. My friends are always slobbering about how so and so is hot. But I never have fantasies about guys I know. I never really have major crushes on boys or girls or what have you. I get pissed when all people talk about is sex, not because I'm not getting any but because the idea bores me. I masturbate because it feels nice, but I feel no desire to have sex, in fact it kind of grosses me out. I don't look at guys lustfully all that often- I think more along the lines of 'good friend' material. I know I'm not gay (have never felt any pull towards girls), but I think something must be wrong with me if I'm not falling head over heels in love/lust with guys at my age. Science says I should be some kind of uncontrollable sexaholic at this age, but I'm not. If it makes any difference, I started puberty very early (9), so maybe I went through that phase at 13 or something and didn't even notice it.

If you have any kind of explanation to offer, please do so!

Sincerely,

Not Interested

Dear Not interested

You are perfectly normal. I don't know all the background on your life and experiences but from what you said you are not alone. If you enjoy masturbation and can be aroused then there is nothing physical going on and as far as having sex with someone or being interested in having sex with someone, that will happen when it happens, if it happens.

We all have different levels of hormones in us and emotionally many women just are not as interested as others in physical, intimate relationships. Have compassion for your sex-crazed friends, just know that’s their thing, not yours and how you feel is perfectly fine. If it becomes an issue that it really bothers you I would go to the counseling center, it’s free. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you it just will give you a confidential outlet to talk about things that bug you.

I wish you the very best,

River

Some questions I received and will answering soon

Here are some questions I have been asked and will answer in this column. If you want one in particular answered right away let me know!

Sex Questions

1. Why do people get hornier when drunk?
2. Why are men attracted to breasts?
3. How do you know when you’ve had an orgasm? Can there be a mini version?
4. Can women ejaculate?
5. I heard my boyfriend’s penis pop one time. Did he break it?
6. Knee pads should be a part of safe-sex, right?
7. Why is it called a blow job when you suck?
8. What is the definition of a ‘furry’?
9. What are the health risks for golden showers?
10. As you have toured the country, what is the most or loudest protest you have gotten from people who think sex is bad?
11. What do you think of the taboo against BDSM & the fetish community?
12. How big must a penis be to make the man faint (an erection so big you pass out)?
13. What is the best position to make a smaller penis give a woman or a man more pleasure? Help!
14. I’ve never had an orgasm. Can you give me some good tips?
15. Can a girl get pregnant with pre-ejaculation?
16. It is it absolutely 100% required to wear a condom while giving head (because I hate sucking on latex)?
17. How does girl on girl sexual intercourse work because it is like bumper to bumper if you know what I mean?
18. If a male and female “mess around” in a body of water and the guy cums outside the girl, can she still get pregnant?
19. What other tools help prevent pregnancy other than condoms and birth control?
20. Is it bad for you if he repeatedly reaches the end of your vagina?

Same Sex Relationships

Dear River,

I wanted to see what your thoughts on same-sex relationships were? Why do you think that girls are sometimes attracted to other girls even if they have never been before? I’d really appreciate it if you could get back to me

Thank you so much,

Just Curious

Dear Just Curious,

When it comes to sexuality in our culture we have these boxes- gay, straight, bisexual. In reality we can be attracted to people for a number of reason that has little to do with labels. Most people have the capacity to be attracted to their own gender and there is nothing wrong with this. It can go from just appreciating the female body to wanting to engage in sexual activity to exclusively being in a relation with the same gender. Another though is that Sometimes, especially with women, we have such close relationships, that often we have the same feeling towards "friends" that we might have in a love relationship. We fall in love with each other and it may have nothing to do with wanting to have sex. We just want to be close and intimate. It can be confusing especially when our culture has such strong feelings about same gender relationships.

I would suggest to anyone dealing with these feelings that they sit down with non-judgmental professional (therapist, counselor) and sort through the feelings. I am a strong believer in getting help from a professional when I’m confused. It does not mean there is a thing "wrong" with me. I just need to have a different perspective.

I wish you the best!

River

Why does my girlfriend only cum during oral not intercourse?

This is a text question from my Wright State University Presentation in February 2010

Most women need clitoral stimulation to reach climax. During oral sex it is easier to maintain clitoral contact. You can help her reach climax during intercourse a couple of ways.

One would be to have her on top so she can stimulate her clitoris against your pelvic area. You can also use a vibrator or finger to massage her clitoris during intercourse.

It's also important not to pressure her to reach orgasm during intercourse because this will make it near impossible. Take you time, experiment with adding any kind of clitoral stimulation to enhance intercourse, and if it does not work out that she is able to reach orgasm during intercourse, know you can use intercourse as foreplay for her orgasm and finish your encounter with oral sex.

Sex Messages From Ohio

Here are the text messages from Ohio. The answers will be available in an e-book called SEXED in March. In the meantime I will answer a question each day (sometimes one a week depends on travel!). If you need an urgent answer send me an e-mail with you question.

Can you get pregnant if someone cums in your ass

What made you change your life around after that? Was it religious or you got tired of feeling bad for yourself?

what if my penis is too small?

Is there a training camp that men can go to to get better at eating a girl out?

is aids terminal or is there a treatment?

how do you tell your boyfriend your prego?

how do you get over sexual feelings with your ex?

Whats your favorite sex position?

What should you do if you accidentally call your new boyfriend your ex's name during sex?

How do u learn to be with someone after being in an abusive relationship where all trust is gone?

Is it cheating if your girlfriend likes to munch rug on the side

How do you cope with your new bf having such a small dick

What can you do if she hurts most of the times we do it.

does serrain wrap work as a condom??

why does my gf only cum during oral not intercourse?

Can u get a girl pregnant by ejaculating in her anus?

Do vibrating cock rings enhance sexual intercourse?

Can u get a girl pregnant by ejaculating on ur finger and then fingering her?

Advice On Losing Your Virginity

Here are the text messages from Ohio. The answers will be available in an e-book called SEXED in March. In the meantime I will answer a question each day (sometimes one a week depends on travel!). If you need an urgent answer send me an e-mail with you question.

My girlfriend is a virgin and I was wondering what was the best way/easiest way for her to enjoy it.

I can give you some suggestions but it is also important to talk with your girlfriend about how she feels about doing any of them. I am glad you are asking this question because out of all the people she will ever sleep with you you will probably be the most memorable, good or bad. No pressure!

Anyway the best thing to do is be certain she really wants to do this and once that certainty is established. You might want to start slow not go all the way the first time. You can perform oral sex, use you fingers with lubricant to start to stretch hymen. For some women the hymen may have already been broken through a number of means such as using a tampon, hand to genital contact, ext. If the hymen is already broken then it may be a little easier. For each person it is different. For some it is a painful experience and for other not so much. But most of the time both partners are feeling anxious. So try to do something to relax, give her a full body massage, take a bath together, get comfortable being naked with one another. Let her know how much you care and how beautiful she is especially her body. Many women are very self conscious about being naked.

As you do things for her try to talk with her about what feels good. If she is not too responsive to this because she is embarrassed to talk about sex then try to read her physical cues. Actual intercourse is the last part of the program. Once you get to that point go slow, use lubricant and stay present. Her vagina will probably be very tight so just put the tip in first, and go slow from there (unless she requests differently).

Afterwards there might be some emotions. Just stay present. If there are tears, don't press her to talk about it just hold her, tell her you are there for her. I am not saying this will happen but for many women it is really big moment in their life and it can cause an emotional release.

If she is uncertain about how she might be feel physically after let her know that sometimes there is burning and tenderness especially when she urinates. This is totally normal. There might be some blood and that is also normal.

Good Luck

River

I’ve never had an orgasm. Can you give me some good tips?

It may be a good idea to spend some time alone with yourself to figure out what gets you excited. When you masturbate there is a lot less pressure to “perform” Find a quiet place where you won’t be disturbed and explore.



First step is find your clitoris for most women this is the key to orgasm. It is a marble shaped organ right above the lips of your vagina. (See diagram of the vulva) when stimulated it becomes engorged with blood and rather hard. When you reach orgasm it softens.



A vibrator is a wonderful sexual aid in reaching orgasm but if you don’t have one, or are not ready, there are many ways to masturbate from touching with your fingers, to using a removable shower head and putting a direct spray of water on the clitoris, or rubbing your clitoris against a blanket or pillow.



If you do not feel you are able to masturbation and want to reach an orgasm with a partner, communication is key. You need to talk about what it is you like, how you like it, and be able to guide someone when they are doing something that does not work. You can do this is a gentle; supportive way by showing them which can be erotic for them as well. At first the goal should be exploration, not climax.



Foreplay is extremely important for women to reach orgasm, and not just physical foreplay but emotional foreplay. Having a person attentive to your emotional needs can help you relax and that is what is all about. An orgasm's not going to be happening if you have your mind on something else-bills, is my ass too fat, and is that the baby crying? Or the orgasm itself "Is this it? Am I doing it right?"

Try to be in the moment enjoy the physical sensations and do not try for an orgasm just let it happen. It might take a few attempts but the more relaxed you get with your body and yourself, the easier it will be. 



There are other reason you might not be able to reach orgasm and they are rare, but real-diabetes, hormonal imbalance, arthritis. 

Talk to your doctor about this. Just be aware that sometimes doctors are very dismissive when it comes to sexual issues and do not see it as a possible medical condition. If they say something like, "Keep working at it!" Don't be discouraged. This is when you need a thick skin and say, "I would like to know if there are some physical possibilities and be tested for them."



More common are also emotional and mental blocks to orgasm including, rape, molestation, assault and incest. These issues are real and need to be addressed with a professional if you feel they are standing in your way to being able to relax during sex and reach climax.